NoisePutty.com

We’ve been really concerned about Britney Spears’ ex, Kevin Federline lately. We mean it. It’s keeping us up at night.

We’ve been wondering what kind of job Kevin Federline should get, now that the music career isn’t taking off like he thought it would. Man, we thought that “Popozao” was gonna bring it. But it didn’t. No time for tears, though. K-Fed has to regroup. But, doing what?

Well, we’ve been looking at K-Fed real closely, and processing his talents and abilities, and we think we have the one job that we know he’d be good at. This is our conclusion, after months of exhaustive observation.

We at NP have determined that Kevin Federline should get a job at a mortuary. Why? Because he seems to be real good at digging up dirt.

And he’s also really good at digging graves, especially his own.

Alas, K-Fed is once again showing what an ass his really is, with a threat to write a tell-all book. It should be expected by now, but it’s always a surprise.

But, you know, it’s not all Kevin’s fault for being a jerk and a idiot. After all, we’d never even known that K-Fed was a jerk and a idiot if he had never married one Ms. Spears. And that, in itself, has to be a concern as well.

You have to wonder about the mental capacity of one Britney Spears. Sure, she’s a big star, sure she’s probably the next woman to have a 20-year career in music, despite all of the goings on. But, considering the results of the fallout of her marriage, you have to ask yourself if Britney isn’t all there. Because if Britney, wanting to follow the true husband-wife aspects of marriage, thought for one moment that Kevin Federline would ever be a good partner, a good man, a good role model for his kids, then, we have to say, that Britney needs more help than even she knows.

Consider this latest love salvo fired across the bow in the upcoming divorce of Britney by the brilliant Mr. Federline, the threat from the father of her children to expose that she is a bisexual in this tell-all book. Um, excuse me, genius, but by saying that she is bisexual, haven’t you already let the cat out of the bag? It’s kind of like telling your playground playmate that you’re going to tell everyone your secret about having a crush on your teacher, in front of everyone. What good did it do? You’ve already told everyone the secret. Nice strategy, K-Fed.

It proves once again that not only is Kevin Federline a leech, and a no-talent, he’s got absolutely no media savvy.

Hey, K-Fed. Let us give you some advice regarding threatening to release a tell-all book in this, the age of information, where news travels faster than, well, a book. No one pays to read details. They just wait until the books go on the bargain bin if they ever want to read it.

This is how people actually sell books. Here is the three step formula:

One, people buy books in the millions when people care about reading what the author has to say, two, those people caring about the author’s words number in the thousands, and three, people actually believe what the author is saying.

K-Fed’s weak link in his thought. No one cares what he has to say. If no one bought his record, and if no one went to any his shows, then why would they pay for a book that he wrote? Let’s face it, no one wants to hear or see anything related to K-Fed.

As of this writing, K-Fed album, “Playing With Fire” has sold about 10,000 copies total (I’m sure I’m being most gracious with that number.

The small ode to K-Fed given by Jimmy Kimell at the American Music Awards, and the applause received from Britney just about says it all. One could only imagine what K-Fed is thinking with his continued antics. Does he think he’s actually going to win back America with this continued “F*** the World” behavior? There’s a difference between being a rebel and being hated, and that line is a yet another thing that K-Fed doesn’t understand.

If K-Fed does write a book, then how much dirt could he possibly have in it, seeing that the first year of their lives was a TV reality show, and out in the open for all the world to see? And who really cares in Britney Spears is a bisexual anyway? Does Federline think it’s going to ruin her career if she DID come out and say she was?

We wouldn’t be surprised if Spears did admit bisexual tendencies, just to deflate the book sale idea. All it would take is one simple admission of having tendencies of that nature to totally derail this latest K-Fed plan, even if it wasn’t true. Rumors like that have been circulating around Madonna for years, and she’s not exactly eating at the soup kitchen because of it.

Seeing how Spears has maneuvered thus far in this game of divorce cat and mouse, we’d say that she’s going to win, regardless of what Federline does in the future.

So, in closing our advice to K-Fed would be to get a shave, put on a tie, say that you’re sorry for everything you’ve ever done, and change your tune.

And if you don’t want to do that, put in an application at your local cemetery.